Post by Rick Redner on Jan 10, 2014 11:44:55 GMT -5
I've heard from far too many men who said their partners left them after they were treated for prostate cancer. Based on my personal experiences and hearing from hundreds of men following surgery, the quality of your marriage is greatly impacted by either the loss of urinary control and/or erectile dysfunction. These are the issues that impact the divorce rate among men with prostate cancer. Although this study comes from India I think it applies here as well:
Divorce & ED
Here's another link which confirms the results of that study:
ED Leads To An Increase In Divorce Rate
When I received the diagnosis of prostate cancer I was terrified. Discovering I had to choose how to treat my prostate cancer was an overwhelming burden which I found to be time consuming (I read more than a dozen books and spent hours on-line) and an emotionally draining task. It's easy to ignore the state of your marriage. If your marriage was stressed before surgery, if one or both of you were unhappy before surgery, the odds are the unhappy partner will have thoughts about leaving.
The loss of urinary control and erectile dysfunction are double barreled hits to a man's self esteem. Many men become depressed and/or angry. If they are depressed they'll withdraw from their partner both emotionally and physically. If a man is angry there may be an increase in the number of fights you'll have over a variety of issues. If this progression is not stopped, over the course of time, the loss of affection, tenderness, words of love, laughter and fun can result in falling out of love with your partner. When that happens, thoughts of ending the relationship isn't far behind.
Falling out of love doesn't mean your relationship is over. Falling out of love means you need help to bring back those qualities and experiences that brought you together and enabled you to fall in love in the first place. As a man with erectile dysfunction, you may feel entirely worthless to your partner and unable to provide the positive experiences that brought you together. This could easily lead a man to think his partner would be much better off without him. Once again this is an error in thinking. There are ways to achieve a mutually satisfying sex life without erections. A couple might benefit from professional help if they cannot find ways develop a mutually satisfying sexual relationship during the first months and years following surgery.
Here's a very candid expression of how a man's self-esteem may suffer following surgery:
"Regret! Not from PC but from decision to have a radical prostatectomy.
It's now about nine weeks after surgery and things seem to be getting
worse. The physical pain from the surgery is gone but everything else is
deteriorating. There is not a minute where I don't regret my decision and
prefer to just evaporate. There is no denying it; I am now a freak. I don't
respect myself and, in all honesty, I don't know how others would respect
me either. Sleep is now my only comfort. Perhaps a very deep sleep will
help me to evaporate, permanently."
The man who wrote this died within 6 months after this post. Shortly after his death, his wife discovered and read her husband's post. She added the following comment to his thread:
"I am the wife of the person who made the post. He is no longer with us and has moved to his 'better place'.
My husband did not share much about his physical condition with me after his DX and procedure, and he certainly did not tell me about this group. I’m certain he benefited from your friendships. Keep up the good fight and may you continue to help others who are desperately reaching out."
I didn't share this story to scare men away from surgery. I shared it to help men understand the profound physical and emotional storms you could experience following surgery. That's true even if you receive the wonderful news you've been cured of cancer.
Don't make a similar mistake by deciding to suffer alone without the help, aid love and comfort from your partner. Remember your marital vows? Did you say "In sickness and in health" God designed marriage to be a pillar of support when one or both partners are facing the consequences of an illness. It's a tough for the man diagnosed with prostate cancer and it's also tough on the spouse as well.
Here are some marriage building suggestions:
7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage
A Humorous Look At Marriage
Divorce Proofing From A Christian Perspective
7 Principles to Keep Love Strong
Last but not least, there are a number books written by the world's leading expert on predicting divorce and divorce prevention. Buy one or more of these books and take the time to do the work he suggests. Saving your marriage and your family is a worthwhile task.
Here's a link to a number of books Gottman has written:
Ways To Protect Your Marriage
I wrote a book to help couples face life without a prostate. Here's that link:
I Left My Prostate In San Francisco-Where's Yours?
It's possible no one warned you about the relational storms you'd face after surgery, but it's not too late to divorce-proof your marriage. The task will be more challenging if you are in the middle of this storm, but successfully meeting life's challenges is something a man can do without his prostate.
Here's a thread to discuss how surgery has impacted your relationship and find help and support to divorce-proof your marriage.
If you found this thread useful you can check out the rest of our Pre & Post-Surgery Forum by using this link:
Link to Pre & Post Surgery Forums
Divorce & ED
Here's another link which confirms the results of that study:
ED Leads To An Increase In Divorce Rate
When I received the diagnosis of prostate cancer I was terrified. Discovering I had to choose how to treat my prostate cancer was an overwhelming burden which I found to be time consuming (I read more than a dozen books and spent hours on-line) and an emotionally draining task. It's easy to ignore the state of your marriage. If your marriage was stressed before surgery, if one or both of you were unhappy before surgery, the odds are the unhappy partner will have thoughts about leaving.
The loss of urinary control and erectile dysfunction are double barreled hits to a man's self esteem. Many men become depressed and/or angry. If they are depressed they'll withdraw from their partner both emotionally and physically. If a man is angry there may be an increase in the number of fights you'll have over a variety of issues. If this progression is not stopped, over the course of time, the loss of affection, tenderness, words of love, laughter and fun can result in falling out of love with your partner. When that happens, thoughts of ending the relationship isn't far behind.
Falling out of love doesn't mean your relationship is over. Falling out of love means you need help to bring back those qualities and experiences that brought you together and enabled you to fall in love in the first place. As a man with erectile dysfunction, you may feel entirely worthless to your partner and unable to provide the positive experiences that brought you together. This could easily lead a man to think his partner would be much better off without him. Once again this is an error in thinking. There are ways to achieve a mutually satisfying sex life without erections. A couple might benefit from professional help if they cannot find ways develop a mutually satisfying sexual relationship during the first months and years following surgery.
Here's a very candid expression of how a man's self-esteem may suffer following surgery:
"Regret! Not from PC but from decision to have a radical prostatectomy.
It's now about nine weeks after surgery and things seem to be getting
worse. The physical pain from the surgery is gone but everything else is
deteriorating. There is not a minute where I don't regret my decision and
prefer to just evaporate. There is no denying it; I am now a freak. I don't
respect myself and, in all honesty, I don't know how others would respect
me either. Sleep is now my only comfort. Perhaps a very deep sleep will
help me to evaporate, permanently."
The man who wrote this died within 6 months after this post. Shortly after his death, his wife discovered and read her husband's post. She added the following comment to his thread:
"I am the wife of the person who made the post. He is no longer with us and has moved to his 'better place'.
My husband did not share much about his physical condition with me after his DX and procedure, and he certainly did not tell me about this group. I’m certain he benefited from your friendships. Keep up the good fight and may you continue to help others who are desperately reaching out."
I didn't share this story to scare men away from surgery. I shared it to help men understand the profound physical and emotional storms you could experience following surgery. That's true even if you receive the wonderful news you've been cured of cancer.
Don't make a similar mistake by deciding to suffer alone without the help, aid love and comfort from your partner. Remember your marital vows? Did you say "In sickness and in health" God designed marriage to be a pillar of support when one or both partners are facing the consequences of an illness. It's a tough for the man diagnosed with prostate cancer and it's also tough on the spouse as well.
Here are some marriage building suggestions:
7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage
A Humorous Look At Marriage
Divorce Proofing From A Christian Perspective
7 Principles to Keep Love Strong
Last but not least, there are a number books written by the world's leading expert on predicting divorce and divorce prevention. Buy one or more of these books and take the time to do the work he suggests. Saving your marriage and your family is a worthwhile task.
Here's a link to a number of books Gottman has written:
Ways To Protect Your Marriage
I wrote a book to help couples face life without a prostate. Here's that link:
I Left My Prostate In San Francisco-Where's Yours?
It's possible no one warned you about the relational storms you'd face after surgery, but it's not too late to divorce-proof your marriage. The task will be more challenging if you are in the middle of this storm, but successfully meeting life's challenges is something a man can do without his prostate.
Here's a thread to discuss how surgery has impacted your relationship and find help and support to divorce-proof your marriage.
If you found this thread useful you can check out the rest of our Pre & Post-Surgery Forum by using this link:
Link to Pre & Post Surgery Forums
