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Post by Lovelylady on Nov 11, 2014 0:34:47 GMT -5
Hello, I am new to this forum and have been reading many stories for some time, but wanted to share my own story in the hope I can get some advice from those who have already travelled this road.
Over 5 weeks ago my boyfriend (40 yrs old) had a radical prostatectomy and in the lead up to the surgery he was told that post surgery he would never be able to achieve a spontaneous erection and due to other medical issues Viagra would not be an option for him (he was using it before the surgery unbeknownst to me, and shouldn't have been, but didn't want to tell me).
He is determined not to consider a pump, implant or injections, and so therefore has resigned himself to a future of zero sex. He has had the surgery now and as a result of this he has broken off our relationship and told me he wants to keep me in his life as his closest, deepest friend, but to never discuss or consider the possibility of any further sexual relationship between us. In his words "I never want to think about sex again". He thinks he is helping me by "saving me from a life without sex", telling me I need to have sex and he can't offer that to me any more.
This is breaking my heart as I deeply love him and can't accept that he is rejecting me for this reason, as I know he deeply loves me too. I have repeatedly told him I am open to any or all other types of sexual activity and he is more to me than just an erection. We had a deeply fulfilling sex life prior to the surgery and I can't bear the thought he will never enjoy any future sexual activity wholly due to his attitude, rather than willingness to consider other alternatives. why would he want to isolate himself in this way? I've told him he can achieve orgasm without an erection, and tried to open his mind to anything but right now he is refusing to discuss the topic, and even refusing to see me 
Without doubt he is suffering depression after the surgery, doesn't want to talk about the surgery, nor the loss of some length of his penis and quite frankly it is really affecting my own outlook on life at the moment. I feel so helpless, defeated and sad for us and him too.
Is there any wisdom someone can share? Advice? I need every bit of help I can get from those who might be able to help me understand what's going through his head. |
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Post by Rick Redner on Nov 11, 2014 11:03:32 GMT -5
I'm fairly certain your boyfriend is not in place where he'd go for professional counseling, but there is a way he can receive very good help and support without charge, and without anyone knowing his true identity. There are literally tens of thousands of men (I'm one of them) who have struggled with long term ED. Finding men willing to talk about this deeply personal and embarrassing issues is easy to do over the internet. I'd encourage him to seek out this support with the emphasis of reminding him that no one will know who he really is-that he can remain anonymous. I'm going to provide you with some links you might read and then some recommendations for your boyfriend as well. Here's a few threads on this forum worth with reading and sharing with your boyfriend. These will help him to realize he's not alone: Who Says You Aren't A Man If Your Penis Is FlacidPost Surgical DepressionSeven Reasons Why Couple's Struggle AloneMy Website- Go to the Helpful Link Section. There you'll find lots of links for great internet support where your boyfriend could meet up with other men struggling with the similar issues. It's very possible he's so depressed he won't be interested in seeking out any type of support. So the last suggestion I have is to purchase the book my wife and I wrote, written specifically for men and couples who find themselves in the situation you are in. Read the book in it's entirety before giving it to your boyfriend as a gift. Offer to read it together for the purpose of discussing the questions for couples to discuss at the end of each chapter. Here's the link at Amazon. You can read the reviews as well as look through portions of the book at the following link: I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where's Yours?If you decide to stick it out with your man it's going to be a long and difficult journey to overcome depression and shame. Unless you are willing to invest many months, possibly years in this process, it could be time for the two of you to break up. Those are my thoughts based on my experiences coping with life without out a prostate. Reading the book will help you to understand what's he's going through and how to overcome post-surgery depression. PS-He doesn't know how blessed he is to have you in his life-sadly he doesn't believe he's worthy of you. My thoughts and prayers are with you. |
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Post by lovelylady on Nov 12, 2014 4:14:24 GMT -5
Thank you Rick for your prompt response and your insights and links which I have looked at and greatly appreciate. Unfortunately emotions often override all the logic and reason in the world and I'm afraid any information is currently being dismissed out of hand by my partner right now. He won't discuss his decision with me at all and while he actually is having counselling he's now decided to cancel those sessions and wants to forget everything about the surgery & its consequences (as if this was possible!). Although I have not been involved in any of those sessions, I suspect the counsellor may well be encouraging him to keep an open mind also, which might be why he's wanting to cancel them. The truth is that while I am willing to invest my time and energy into working through this issue, and stick it out through this journey, and I genuinely believe we can get beyond this, but he's got to come to the party!! I can't do it all on my own. It's not like we're living under the same roof and I can tough it out as he won't even see me currently All I can do right now is to pull back a little, let things settle and hope that he comes to his senses and realises he doesn't have to live the life he thinks he's heading for. One thing I do know wholeheartedly he does love me, he told me that which is why it is so hard for me to accept his decision. |
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Post by Rick Redner on Nov 14, 2014 20:03:33 GMT -5
I'm very sorry this is happening to you. I'm personally familiar with the shame and the loss of manhood that occurs as a result of erectile dysfunction. I'm sorry he won't even see you. While he says that he loves you, he feels he doesn't deserve you and that you'd be better off with a fully functioning man. The fact that he's stopped getting help, seeing you, and is isolating himself will prolong his suffering.
I hope you'll consider getting a copy of my book, reading it and giving it to him as a gift. The books speaks directly to the issues he is struggling with. I wish you the best in this very difficult journey.
Rick
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