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Post by Rick Redner on Apr 13, 2013 22:25:27 GMT -5
I don't know why, but I thought with double nerve sparing surgery I'd regain my erectile abilities within 3 months. That didn't happen. Two years post surgery I'm taking 2.5mg of Cialis daily. Night time erections occur a few times per month. Spontaneous erections never. I'm now able to achieve a usable erection more often than not. It's been a real struggle. Sadly I made the mistake of avoiding all kinds of physical affection for almost a year. I regret coping in that way. Finding ways to achieve mutual satisfaction before erectile abilities return is an important goal. At age 58 I had no idea it was possible to achieve an orgasm with a flaccid penis. It wasn't as enjoyable, but that subject is for another thread. Here's the place to share your struggles with ED, how it's affecting you and your partner. Here's a great link with useful ways to think and cope with ED: Coping with ED |
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Post by Rubynolegs on May 5, 2013 17:44:18 GMT -5
I bet this is for men. I'm a wife. Hubby was ignored for a year and told he would be sent to a special clinic. A month later he collapsed at work. Brought home and by midnight this 25 year serviceman in 40's was crying like a baby and admitted by ambulance. Huge UTI. After 3 days came home and then had followup with doc. I called down the drive "tell him you are up and down all night and cant pee"
It then triggered bloods and biopsies and MORE painful biopsies as 5 Forensic pathologists couldnt make their minds up and on the next visit we were expecting a "go away, you are fine" but it was Cancer. They played down Chemo saying they were Surgeons and liked doing Surgery so that was that.
We were told sex no different, but she joked it would be less messy. SHE LIED. No one told us that he would have little or no Penis left. There was no more relationship ever.
Viagra gave migraines, the injections burnt, the pump a turn off laying waiting for it to happen and i got so sick of it i researched and told him to get an appointment to see someone, and i went with him and produced a print off of an Amcor Prosthetic 700. He got that and so much for it being the best. It never worked except in his own hand.
If i sound bitter I am. The people who do this surgery without enough information, I mean THEY never go through it or experience it, well they dont have a clue and to date no one has thought to ask my opinion. It ruined our life and our marriage is in tatters. There should bee more Openness and telling it like it really is.
Sorry to invade another male domain. We are both gutted about the lack of real information given for such a serious cancer, especially when it is in respect of a 40 something.
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michael
New Member
married with children
Posts: 35 
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Post by michael on May 5, 2013 19:00:48 GMT -5
Sorry things have been so rough, really. Like to have some more info maybe. When and what type of surgery? Have you and your husband talked to a counselor or really talked to each other? Believe me I am sure it is really hurting him too. By the way this is not just for men, men and women. I hope things get better for you and husband. I assume he had prostate cancer? I felt really bad with ED too. Still wish I was like I used to be but not going to happen. But I am still alive and glad for that. Come back and talk to someone if you want. I am sure someone will try and talk you through this.
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Post by Rick Redner on May 6, 2013 6:52:58 GMT -5
I bet this is for men. I'm a wife. Hubby was ignored for a year and told he would be sent to a special clinic. A month later he collapsed at work. Brought home and by midnight this 25 year serviceman in 40's was crying like a baby and admitted by ambulance. Huge UTI. After 3 days came home and then had followup with doc. I called down the drive "tell him you are up and down all night and cant pee" It then triggered bloods and biopsies and MORE painful biopsies as 5 Forensic pathologists couldnt make their minds up and on the next visit we were expecting a "go away, you are fine" but it was Cancer. They played down Chemo saying they were Surgeons and liked doing Surgery so that was that. We were told sex no different, but she joked it would be less messy. SHE LIED. No one told us that he would have little or no Penis left. There was no more relationship ever. Viagra gave migraines, the injections burnt, the pump a turn off laying waiting for it to happen and i got so sick of it i researched and told him to get an appointment to see someone, and i went with him and produced a print off of an Amcor Prosthetic 700. He got that and so much for it being the best. It never worked except in his own hand. If i sound bitter I am. The people who do this surgery without enough information, I mean THEY never go through it or experience it, well they dont have a clue and to date no one has thought to ask my opinion. It ruined our life and our marriage is in tatters. There should bee more Openness and telling it like it really is. Sorry to invade another male domain. We are both gutted about the lack of real information given for such a serious cancer, especially when it is in respect of a 40 something. This forum is NOT a men only forum. Welcome. Men need to hear what ED is like from a female perspective. I think I was so depressed and feeling so sorry for myself, and looking to avoid all physical contact with my wife, that I never took much time to consider her feelings. So hearing you candidly share your feelings about ED is a very welcome perspective. I understand your frustration and anger. If your husband had nerve sparing surgery, he probably thought like I did that things would return to normal quickly. No one ever told us it could be 2 years before I'd have an erection. I understand from my own personal experiences how ED can tatter your marriage, it did a pretty good number on my marriage as well. What makes is even more painful is that the problem is so embarrassing and humiliating, most men close down and refuse to talk about these issues with their wives. In fact a man can feel so bad about himself he'll act in such a way as to drive his partner away because he doesn't feel worthy of her love anymore, and that she'd be better off with someone else. An important key to surviving ED until nerve bundles heal is getting help. How long has ED been part of your marriage now? Is your husband open to seeking help? If so, would he come to this or another forum where he could meet men going through or have gone through post surgery ED? Rick |
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Post by Rick Redner on May 7, 2013 6:59:02 GMT -5
I'm going to make a prediction which I hope is wrong, but think will prove accurate. We won't be hearing any further from Rubynolegs. People come to forums for a variety of reasons. Some just to read what others have to say. Some want to post their story, but have no interest in hearing or helping others. Some want to help others without sharing their own story. Then there are those who are willing to do both, open their lives for others and allow others into their lives as well. Last but not least there are people who come to the forums as a form of release. In other words they want to vent/dump their stuff on others then leave. I suspect Rubynolegs is one of those people. (I could be, and hope that I'm wrong) but here's why I think I'm accurate:
Rubynolegs described herself as "bitter". I have no way of knowing how many years she's lived with bitterness, but I know this emotion sucks the joy out of your life. Sadly some people allow bitterness to fester in their souls. If left unchallenged bitterness becomes a familiar abusive friend, you'd rather keep then get rid of. Sadly I believe this is where Rubynolegs lives.
As a result of making unhealthy decisions, Rubynolegs came here with two incorrect negative assumptions:
1. She assumed this forum and/or thread was male oriented. (Even though it says otherwise in writing)
2. She assumed this was a place she wouldn't be welcome. (Where does it say women are not welcome?)
Acting on her incorrect assumptions, she shared her story then fled without joining this forum. She left no e-mail address making it impossible for anyone to respond to her. I believe both of her inaccurate assumptions and her unwillingness to hear the responses to her story spring from spending too much time living with bitterness.
There are very important lessons we can learn from Rubynoleg's post:
1. For men coping with ED, don't ignore your partner, shut them out, or give up on the sexual aspects of your relationship. If you do this you will hurt your partner, and destroy all the emotional and physical connections you had with each other. As a result you'll live estranged with your partner in a way that will make both of you miserable. To all men with ED, it's vital for your self esteem, and sense of manhood to develop other ways to satisfy your partner that do not depend up on you needing an erection. Additionally, and I didn't know this at age 58, you can learn to enjoy orgasms with a flaccid penis. Since it could be 2 years before you'll have a natural erection, learning to enjoy orgasms with a flaccid penis is a wise decision.
2. For women-If your partner gives up on you emotionally, physically, or both you need to get help with or without your partner. You may need to find ways to satisfy yourself sexually during the time your partner chooses to ignore your needs. In fact invite your partner to watch if they are interested, the act of watching may lead to a desire to participate in some way, with some form of physical activity such as holding you or kissing you.
If your partner wants nothing to do with your sexuality, make it clear you won't give up on your own sexuality and continue to find ways to satisfy yourself within the bounds of marriage, inviting your partner to participate without pressure. If anger or bitterness come in to your soul, it's YOUR responsibility to work these emotions through. You can't wait for your partner to change in order to do this. Lastly, don't allow bitterness to become your abusive friend. Whether your partner is supportive or not, it may be necessary for you to find an additional support system from other places, especially from other women.
The Bible tells us in Eph 4:31-32
Eph 4:31-32
Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you.
If you do not do this, bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking will leak into every relationship you have. Thereby poisoning each and every of one of your relationships, this includes your partner, children and grandchildren.
I appreciate the lessons Rubynolegs provided in her post, though I hope and pray I'm wrong about her and that she'll come back in an effort to work through her bitterness. If she doesn't she will live with damaged boundaries.
Unhealthy boundaries keep the good away, and allows the bad in. In the biological world cells will die if they cannot take in the necessary nutrients and dispose of the waste. So too will relationships die if one or both partners keep the bad in and keep the good out. In this state couples can and do stay together, but the relationship lacks joy and intimacy, and is characterized by both partners being miserable.
Healthy boundaries both in the biological and relational word sustain life by allowing the good in and dispose and get of the bad. Loving and intimate relationships require healthy boundaries. Couples with healthy boundaries remain intimate both emotionally and physically. People are drawn to couples who live out their marriages in this fashion.
Questions to Consider
1. Which relationship would you prefer to live in? A relationship characterized unhealthy boundaries and bitterness or a healthy loving relationship characterized by intimacy and love.
2. What do YOU need to change in order to keep your boundaries healthy?
3. Is there any bitterness or forgiveness present in yor life that's getting your way and leaking into all your relationships?
4. Do you want rid yourself of those thoughts and feelings? If so how will you do that? If not, are you prepared to live a life isolated from everyone who could provide you with love?
Thank you Rubynolegs for teaching us these valuable lessons! I hope you'll return to work these issues out.
Rick
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Post by Rick Redner on Aug 6, 2013 11:36:47 GMT -5
I suspect men get so depressed about ED they aren't able to think about the effects of their ED on their partners. Here's a good link about ED from a woman's perspective. ED from a women's perspective |
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